Tuesday, January 13, 2026

Title::: V is for Vendetta a Film from Hollywood, exact Location is words A Movie Theatre or word television also known as t.v. ::: Word Established Pick-up your domino Piece here out of Scene, in your mind and on your word equated word plate[Plate[PLATE]]. Why, You might ask as the Show on the word Television has a Show, the Show is called Ask the Pastor? and I, Karen Placek _ _ _ - _ _ - _ _ _ _ am not Religious. My decision to use the King James Version word Bible was to the fact of what word They had said about the Christian being word Next. So, in reality reality is real and when you are napping or sleeping REM is real, so I am able to tell you you failed word reality as I did have a Car Accident and You made me think about it instead of just word checking. Now, that Airbag went off and I have had several concussions so when you think to place word to incident, BOB ROSS, Inc. will word suffice.

words aren’t needed with a Signature on hand and the Christian said that God was within them.

Words So, flight

Here’s the trailer:

How many have you destroyed?

answer

Struggle is a online Show on Netflix on my TV and with a Show from online Google is not there and yet it is:

Struggle: The Life and Lost Art of Szukalski | Official Trailer [HD] | Netflix - YouTube

www.youtube.com › watch

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Cantore Arithmetic is able state words I don’t really know happened equated words and those words may be on my blogs, in REM sleep as word slept[Slept[SLEPT]] when reality became possible I word The Impossible is the possible waiting to happen.

Now I was meant to make money on a single blog as what Dr.Vuksinick, notice the V, and Dr. Kilgore had said was true and why would I consider anything they said in word doubt?

Question

What drove what they said?

answer

I don’t know, aren’t they word therapist’?

answer

You, the United States of America are stating in silence that those Men did not know what they were doing and that those Test Results are false.

Go ahead as I don’t really what happened, I only know this. And, what I do know is Nikola Tesla gave you a reputation and everyday you confirm it.

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Monday, July 14, 2014

The Life

I am an Obedient Role I had a soul it was sold though long ago in sad story of know,

it is in a good place for my Mother needed more than I for Eternity is a long way,

the guide for her are etched so she may find peace in this fact,

Infinity does indeed breath and Peace be upon My Mother for Being Strong to Show!!

My heart is also with another I gave it following the above Tell that loss is gain in Hell,

for without the Soul whom would need a Heart in fell,

so it is with my eldest sister Tamara Sue,

in a moment of youth more like a very small me made a decision in breath!!

Future from time to now has been spent walking around this World,

an attempt to put understanding to done & not panic about being the lost one,

so with extremes in happened the balance was to rid myself of one emotional trauma at a time,

making the end all less painful and more accepting of the comings to be.

Looking into the eyes of been has difficulties to comprehend such a spend,

however I am a mirror lend to whom shall wish upon a friend for relief in a World full of ends,

with a new theme called 'The Continue' to capture the wealth of Life Itself as a Value to measure,

not discard as useless or trash rather place importance on the passed.

In truth I see belief in the innocence of my deeds,

to trait the mortal body to better society that seems to only deceive me,

I do not venture to partner with deception or sin,

for both are not my identity nor do I wish them to travel me.

Loving to laugh and finding a path for delivery to betterment a Cause in the find,

I'd like to Trust someone in this Eventful life of what has born horror in strife,

the extract of my tap is actually gentle in fact,

I just possess a very big roar to hold the Manipulators back from hurting me further.

To be of use or comfort to whom may find this global existence lonely,

consider the Times drop a Dime not terror try on a Rare and be what is Natural,

not a person that shreds the mind of my kind for selfish takings,

I have had plenty of that I gag from always taken never loved.

Don't be a whisper in the wind be a Real Man that would love to Begin and Live free of Sin,

in the Arms of an Ancient Order I call the Set to B.D.S.M. a calm in Solution of my Mind storming penned.

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Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Balance Sing The Bars Be Signed Once The Bridge Of Rags To Mined Now The Paper Cyst Tum From Sew^Duh Pop!!!!!

PP; http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/06/the-case-for-reparations/361631/

This Country speak in the State of California the adoption on Illegal Immigrants to the legal adoption of California to out dyed families without the permission from the origin of those Immigrants that illegally crossed the boarders to birth children as slaves?? The count on that is what 13-24 years on return to the orphan off sleeve to Vital Recording the legal illegal adoption of what would base.sick 'Human Traffic' on the new slaves width Worldwide on NOW.

The spoke of a Wheel Wright would than family-out to Teak back as Tiers on the Country of pickin's that gave harbor to sprite on raised in American Fashion of address. These would than be the trapped. That carriage as 'The Trap' would goat path?? The speech of being on.or.a.bowl?? Why is the States of The United States not per.Mission.kneeing back to the Country of course to even add.dressed to 'The Way' of country now on the Hems??

Diving off the Acapulco Cliffs is a Heritage of acrobats that runs in the genealogy as the circus of this brain to mined of matter on the dollar of Russia back in the day of their replicant Town to the U.S.A. espionage of Training to the boot itself??

Stick the key to be raised by court?? This is an avenue of few chores or Futures to Wall Streets to growth?? What a bust to chest of that simple mare ridge or is it the pier mathematics on the truth of clove to the Spice Trades: Compass, 'Salt of the Earth'!

Ship to Shore, Continent to the Middle East I tribe you to your under grow when of such duck staple to the paper trail of your dishonest Sheets. True to core of the Caw ball la is as the lyrics blunt to the noted postcard as the Public School in England on the British soy^ole to byte of text in rye as the sweet potato Pi.

Figures and fudge, be.Cons and the hefty hover to grant money today and terror to tomorrows as the spoke to your faith on the enth degree is the lies that are soled to the Feat of habit is the fact that you wood to cricket legs to rub a dubbed double tongue on Hames that stride coin despair!!!!!

Fickle fracking?? No, this is this Country at the blindness of numb Nuts to a.corn a field at cost of after crass to delve this clock of Times on agriculture that Human Beings have be craned to egg full berth. Spark that to the flight ore free.ease and that shove.Vol. tanks blunt.Lee to a spit in the bare.role of idiocy. As James Blunt is the biggest shot bum to stupid product of in.knee that bare.roles these legal lay.in's to just a hand!!!!

For that is the process of Parade that shirts shale shifted dark Hour lack of balls has givin Nun's the new Priest to approve the Catholic on a bean of a hymn to sing the stock of bars at the land of fleecing.! The Slums that thought to the dumped is brought to ask, Wares on the Branch. A route to roof is sealed for the strip of honesty is truth to the steer in todays whirled of the come.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Deer MissStir Howard Stern On The Dribble Sirius Rapids??

Sew Miss Stir Howard Stern ewe everheard a Pete on the Method Hill,

this is oblong once a square to pie long the slice,

a roster of his stir to the photo of person Nell grasp,

a hen in the chicken coop gots a cock cuz the staff musk is an elephant once a book King Cork.

Massage this certificate as Uncle Danny has the stride of a Lions Roar,

equal to the more tour rare ring is the Professional not on TOK rate shin,

that simple type set is the laughter of I to chore Toll the sync of your stern,

up the whole to know the bought has penny wised the central as a Glenn Beck with KKSF.

*Knew Rules at the Bottom!!!

Sir jury to studio the an core as chores and scene a read,

to write a writ on walls and CHIPS the share If is not a dep. You tea on your lack say day a call,

serious??,

whats a Joker on the page to Chap tour the card on the dump,

a Yelp??,

perfume to Oh Beautiful for the blunt stern greats Cruise with movies and Theatre,

piece Man.

Steep Ping??,

no,

mouth to brass breast to Nip pull,

the chain^knee can't no a lynx??,

was the bravo a Killjoy??,

watts that to Liev Schreiber and the job of Blow,

everybody needs a fly to zip per and come Means,

stretch while the yawn^knee^ean measures the etch a sketchers on ole tack and bag GE balls,

karoke to the bounce of word to text your E^merge^gent^sea??,

swimming the swirl is the Tree Sun of Y Playboy had Articles or twas it the star^read of this leather,

apron of the art to cauls??

Cheep seats to shift mow dumb,

the bell list to a lawn of charts and mapother,

miss stir howard stern as lit tolls with no Express shin to know the Load,

beak and boys to under stood on the bending quicks at the bush Men on POE lit a Coal row??,

just know California Hi Way 280 the rest Room and juna pear a sarah,

as at least my lit Told sis See could Up per the bess See on the boar Dom of mass stirred.

Whats a Hand??

Japanese bondage

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This article is about consensual sexual bondage. For other uses, see Slavery in Japan.

Kinbaku (緊縛^?) means 'tight binding' Kinbaku-bi (緊縛美^?) which literally means 'the beauty of tight binding'. Kinbaku is a Japanese style of bondage or BDSM which involves tying up the bottom using simple yet visually intricate patterns, usually with several pieces of thin rope (often jute, hemp or linen and generally around 6 mm in diameter, but sometimes as small as 4 mm, and between 7 – 8 m long). In Japanese, this natural-fibre rope is known as 'asanawa'; the Japanese vocabulary does not make a distinction between hemp and jute. The allusion is to the use of hemp rope for restraining prisoners, as a symbol of power, in the same way that stocks or manacles are used in a Western BDSM context.^[1] The word shibari came into common use in the West at some point in the 1990s to describe the bondage art Kinbaku. Shibari (縛り^?) is a Japanese word that literally means "Decorativley Tie".^[2]

[hide]

'Kinbaku' vs. 'shibari'[edit]

This section needs additional citations for verification. Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. (December 2014)

There is much discussion about the distinction between shibari and kinbaku, and whether one term is more appropriate than another.

One modern distinction which is gaining popularity among westerners wanting to distinguish the terms is that shibari refers to purely artistic, aesthetic rope, whilst kinbaku refers to the artistic, connective, sensual, sexual practice as a whole. While thousands of books and articles have been written in Japanese about shibari, no one has found evidence^{[citation needed]} of there being any thought given to the distinction between these words among Japanese practitioners of the art.

A traditional view is that the term 'shibari' is a wrong Western Japonism. The word denotes tying in Japanese, but in a generic way, and traditionally not in the context of bondage. The names for many particular ties include 'shibari', but it is not traditional to call the entire activity that way. (In the same way as there are 'Diamond Knots' and 'Portuguese Bowline Knots', but 'knotting' does not mean bondage). Instead, Kinbaku is the term for artistic or erotic tying within traditional Japanese rope bondage circles.^{[citation needed]} This view seems to be squarely at odds with the way the word is actually used in books, periodicals, and discussions of rope bondage among Japanese.

An even more traditional view is that shibari is a term used for erotic bondage in Japan that is practically interchangeable with the term kinbaku. Itoh Seiu, generally considered one of the fathers of contemporary Japanese rope bondage used the term in the 1950s,^[3] with no sign of it being a "western Japonism" as did many other well known Japanese bakushi, from the 1950s until present day, including Nureki Chimuo, Yukimura Haruki, Akechi Denki, Tsujimura Takeshi, Arisue Go, Randa Mai, Osada Steve, Miura Takumi, Nagaike Takeshi, and Minomura Kou (among countless others). One of Nurkei Chimuo's how-to video series from the 1980s, is titled Introduction to Shibari.^[4]

While some claim this is a somewhat hidebound definition and the word shibari is now increasingly being re-imported from the West to Japan, as the tying communities are very much interconnected, there is no evidence to support such a conclusion as most practicing bakushi in Japan have very limited contact with the west and almost no interest in debating the meaning of words. Most Japanese kinbakushi do not object to the term shibari, as it's common vernacular in the global community.

Another explanation can be found in the linguistic roots of the two words, which share a core kanji.^[5]

Rope types[edit]

In Japan the most often used type of rope is a loose laid, three strand jute rope. This rope is referred to as "Asanawa" usually translated as "hemp rope" the word 'asa' as hemp and 'nawa' as rope,^[6]^[7]^[8] however this is using the more generic form of the word [hemp] referring to a range of natural fibre ropes rather than those pertaining to a particular plant. In recent history a range of rope types have been used for Kinbaku in Japan though Nawashi rarely use synthetic fibre rope and most often use jute.

Aesthetics of Japanese bondage[edit]

The aesthetics of the bound person's position is important: in particular, Japanese bondage is distinguished by its use of specific katas (forms) and aesthetic rules. Sometimes, asymmetric and often intentionally uncomfortable positions are employed. In particular, Japanese bondage is very much about the way the rope is applied and the pleasure is more in the journey than the destination. In this way the rope becomes an extension of the nawashi's hands and is used to communicate.^{[citation needed]}

Traditional Japanese bondage techniques use natural vegetable fiber rope (hemp, jute, or linen) exclusively,^{[citation needed]} though contemporary Japanese Masters have been working with a range of rope materials. The natural fibers easily lock to each other which means the bondage can be held together by the friction of twists and turns or very simple knots. Traditionally, multiple 6-8 meter lengths are used.^{[citation needed]}

Shibari in contemporary art[edit]

Shibari has a strong presence in the works of some renowned contemporary artists, mainly photographers, like Nobuyoshi Araki in Japan, Jim Duvall in the United States andHikari Kesho in Europe.

In 2014, Romanian singer-songwriter NAVI released a Shibari-themed music video, "Picture Perfect".^[9] The highly controversial video, directed by Marian Nica, was banned by Romanian television for its explicit erotic content.^[10]

History[edit]

Naka Akira's show at Toubaku

Bondage as a sexual activity first came to notice in Japan in the late Edo period.^[11] Generally recognized as "father of Kinbaku" is Seiu Ito, who started studying and researching Hojōjutsu is credited with the inception of Kinbaku, though it is noted that he drew inspiration from other art forms of the time including Kabuki theatre and Ukiyoe woodblock prints. Kinbaku became widely popular in Japan in the 1950s through magazines such as Kitan Club and Yomikiri Romance, which published the first naked bondage photographs. In the 1960s, people such as Eikichi Osada began to appear performing live SM shows often including a large amount of rope bondage, today these performers are often referred to as Nawashi (rope master) or Bakushi (from kinbakushi, meaning bondage master).

In recent years, Kinbaku has become popular in the Western BDSM scene in its own right and has also profoundly influenced bondage, combining to produce many 'fusion' styles.

Technique[edit]

Kinbaku is based on fairly specific rope patterns, many of them derived from Hojojutsu ties. Of particular importance are the Ushiro Takatekote (a type of arm box tie), which forms the basis of many Kinbaku ties, and the Ebi, or "Shrimp", which was originally designed as a torture tie and codified as part of the Edo period torture techniques.^{[citation needed]} Today the tie is used as part of SM play and can be considered a form of Semenawa, torture rope.

Generally speaking, Kinbaku is practiced with ropes of 6–8 meters (20–26 feet) in length.^{[citation needed]} Due to the generally different physique of Western subjects, 8 meters (26 feet) ropes are commonly used in the West.^{[citation needed]} The rope material is usually hemp(or jute) though many other materials are in use including cotton and various synthetics. Various techniques are used to make the natural fiber ropes softer.^{[citation needed]}

Glossary[edit]

kinbaku (緊縛^?): (noun) literally 'tight binding'. It does not convey the meaning of sexual bondage outside SM circles. However, some experts, e.g. Kinoko Hajime and Osada Steve, make a distinction from 'shibari' in that it is used to refer to sessions with a strong emotional exchange.
kinbakushi (緊縛師^?): (noun) kinbaku master, can be shortened to bakushi.
shibari (縛り^?): (noun) the act of tying, binding or weaving. It does not convey the meaning of sexual bondage outside SM circles.
shibaru (縛る^?): (verb) tie or bind with a rope
nawa shibari (縄縛り^?): (noun) rope-tying with a rope (an incorrect, "made-up" term, does not exist in Japanese^[12])
nawashi (縄師^?): (noun) literally,"a maker of rope", but in SM circles it means a professional "rope artist"^[11]

Kinbaku patterns[edit]

Most of the below have multiple variations:

Single wrist binding 片手首縛り Katate kubi shibari
Both wrists binding 両手首縛り Ryoute kubi shibari
Handcuff binding 手錠縛り Tejou shibari
Prisoner handcuff binding 連行手錠縛り Renkou tejou shibari
Hands behind the back binding 後ろ手縛り Ushiro te shibari
High hands behind the back binding 後ろ高手小手縛り(簡易型 Ushiro takate kote shibari)
Hands behind the head tie 後頭後ろ手縛り Koutou ushiro te shibari
Tasuki (kimono string) tied 襷(タスキ)縛り Tasuki (tasuki ) shibari
Crotch rope tie また縄縛り Mata nawa shibari
Turtle (diamond pattern) binding 亀甲縛り(菱縄縛り) Kikkou shibari (hishi nawa shibari)
Upright standing binding 直立不動一本縛り Chokuritsu fudou ippon shibari
Cross-legged binding 胡座縛り Agura shibari
Shrimp binding 海老縛り Ebi shibari
Reverse shrimp binding 逆さ海老縛り Sakasa ebi shibari
Standing partial suspension 立ち吊り縛り Tachi tsuri shibari
One foot lifted partial suspension 片足上げ吊り縛り１ Kataashi age tsuri shibari
Hanging letter M, open leg binding Ｍ字開脚吊り縛り M ji kaikyaku tsuri shibari
Reverse hanging shrimp binding 逆海老吊り縛り Gyaku ebi tsuri shibari
Reverse prayer hands 後手合掌縛り - Gote Gasshou Shibari
Arms bound in front 前手肘縛り - Maete Hiji Shibari
Legs bound together 両足合体一文字縛り - Ryouashi Gattai Ichimonji Shibari
Rifle tie 鉄砲縛り - Teppou Shibari
High Hands on Front Tie 前方高手縛り - Zenpou Takate Shibari

Topics[edit]

French Shibari

Topics in Japanese bondage include:

Karada Japanese word used in the West for body (body harness, a "rope dress")
Ushiro Takate Kote Foundational form for most shibari ties, capturing the upper body / breasts and arms behind back (when ushiro) in a "U" shape behind the back
Kikkou - A body tie that ends with a tortoise shell design in the front upper torso.
Hishi A tie using diamond shapes. When done as a full body tie, it is sometimes also called hishi-kikkou. The hishi has been popularized by manga, or cartoon, art.
Ebi The "shrimp" tie
Agoura a less severe tie similar to an ebi
Tazuki "criss-cross harness"
Tanuki "racoon dog"
Kataashi tsuri "one-legged suspension"
Asymmetric bondage, a common feature of Japanese bondage
Tsuri suspension
Gyaku ebi
Hojojutsu

* Knew Rules As Howard Stern Must Knot No!!!

50 Way to get Eliminated - USDF

www.usdf.org/edudocs/competition/50_ways_toget_eliminated1.pdf

ation-licensed/UsDF-recognized dressage shows is expen- sive, and if ... Te UseF, not the UsDF, writes the rules for national-level .... (“Dummy” spurs are allowed.) 31. ... HORSE ID: Horses must wear their competitor numbers at all times.

[PDF]show jumping rules - The Pony Club

www.pcuk.org/.../showjumping/Show_Jumping_Rules_2...

The Pony Club

GENERAL RULES FOR ALL PONY CLUB SHOW JUMPING COMPETITIONS. Page No. .... Guidelines for Branch Team & Individual Competitions .. 14. (not Area or ..... The Pony Club expects competitors to wear plain dress. Any extra .... 4. SPURS.Spurs may be worn at Rallies and other events with the permission of the.

Crop vs. Spurs - Page 2 - The Chronicle of the Horse

www.chronofhorse.com › ... › Hunter/Jumper

The Chronicle of the Horse

Jul 14, 2011 - 18 posts - ‎14 authors

I personally wear spurs and carry a crop every time I ride, but I also ride ... IHSArules and can you believe that they don't allow spurs & crop to show/prep? ... I have had better luck with a crop on getting my horses forward and ...

[PDF]rules - Ilkley and District Riding Association

www.idra.org.uk/rules/

body protectors when competing in any jumping class (show jumping, working hunter, clear ... JUNIOR riders are NOT ALLOWED to wear SPURS in any class.

Horse Jumping 101 - Home

www.tnequinegrandprix.com/horse-jumping-101.html

Grand Prix Show Jumping is not for the faint of heart! The sport is best ... Time Faults: Any time a horse and rider exceed time allowed. .... A rider may also elect towear spurs or carry a crop, or stick, to encourage the horse over the fences.

[PDF]4-H Rules and Regulations for Equine Shows in Iowa

https://www.extension.iastate.edu/.../4H511CEquine...

Iowa State University

by H Safety

Auwerda, Extension animal science specialist—horses; and 4-H Horse. Advisory Committee .... and Exhibiting Requirements for County, State, and Interstate. Shows. ...... Hunt whip or crop may be .... Exhibitor wearing spurs or chaps. • Failure ...

[PDF]UNITED STATES EQUESTRIAN FEDERATION, INC ... - ushja

www.ushja.org/programs/rules/.../bod1142012_effective2or412012.pdf

At Federation licensed Dressage, Hunter, Jumper or Hunter/Jumper competitions, ... anywhere on the competition grounds, to wear protective headgear with harness ... Rapping the legs of a horse with the butt end of a riding crop or other implement. .... Club (ASPC) requirements for licensure according to GR1074 and have ...

[PDF]2016 UNITED STATES EQUESTRIAN FEDERATION ...

useventing.com/sites/default/files/USEA_2016_Rulebook.pdf

2016 United States Equestrian Federation Rule Book as a courtesy to our ... 2016 POLICIES AND GUIDELINES FOR USEA RECOGNIZED COMPETITIONS ... 2016 U.S. EQUESTRIAN FEDERATION RULES FOR EVENTING ...... horse, riding an obviously lame horse, excessive use of the whip and/or spurs or riding in an.

USEA, Eventing Refresher Course - What To Wear | United ...

useventing.com/news/eventing-refresher-course-what-wear

Mar 1, 2012 - For the dressage phase a coat of dark color or tweed is required ... For full explanation of spur rules please reference page 30 of the rulebook.

Show jumping - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show_jumping

Wikipedia

Hunter bits, bridles, crops, spurs, and martingales are tightly regulated. ... of equipment, and may wear less conservative attire, so long as it stays within the rules. ... Horses are allowed a limited number of refusals before being disqualified.

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Saturday, April 19, 2025

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Honda's dirt bikes offer real power for that perfect adrenaline rush. We have a range of off-road bikes suitable for experienced riders as well as for those who are just starting out. The range of 50cc - 450cc off road bikes offers a riding solution for little ones right through to highly experienced riders. Contact one of our dealers and they'll help you find your ideal dirt bike.

Verbs are words that show an action (sing), occurrence (develop), or state of being (exist). Almost every sentence requires a verb. The basic form of a verb is known as its infinitive. The forms call, love, break, and go are all infinitives.

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The verb's past tense usually has the same -ed form as the past participle. For many verbs, however, the past tense is irregular. An irregular past tense is not always identical to an irregular past participle: called, loved, broke, went.

The two main kinds of verbs, transitive verbs and intransitive verbs, are discussed at the entries for transitive and intransitive.

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The Secret of the Universe is Choice

Presents, a Life with a Plan. My name is Karen Anastasia Placek, I am the author of this Google Blog. This is the story of my journey, a quest to understanding more than myself. The title of this blog, "The Secret of the Universe is Choice!; know decision" will be the next global slogan. Placed on T-shirts, Jackets, Sweatshirts, it really doesn't matter, 'cause a picture with my slogan is worth more than a thousand words, it's worth??.......Know Conversation!!!

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Friday, June 3, 2011

So, My ...

My sister came out to California and we drove an R.V. back across the country to Louisiana, this was five years ago. It was the strangest trip I have ever had been on. I heard so many times, "I feel so bad you never had a childhood." I am not quite sure how many times I heard this from her, but enough I began to do a lot of wondering about it. My sister is seven years older than I am. We had not spent any amount of time together since I was 12 or 13 years old when she had left for New York City to attend Julliard. She never returned from the school, she had a falling out with my mother and I never heard from her until I contacted her when I took off from home. At 18 I contacted her and spent a couple weeks visiting her in New York. I had a good time, it was rather intense and not really the person I had remembered. So, pretty much since then, 1983 would have been the year I visited, I have not spent anytime with her. I was excited when she offered to have me come back and live with her and her family. I thought it would be a great opportunity to know if the decision I had made when I was young was correct. I did not always see eye to eye with her, she seemed preoccupied as we all did but I disagreed with some of her tactics.

We lasted for two and a half weeks before she left me with her lover in an R.V. Park in Ft. Worth, Texas. I still don't know why she left me. I don't even know exactly how she was able to do it. It seemed one moment was fine and the next she was packing her bag and walking towards the front gate of the R.V. park and hitching a ride back to LA. She took her belongings and some of mine, walked away without a word. I wondered if it was the guilt of having a lover when she had a husband. I still don't know exactly why, but the guy she left me with was very cool. I explained I had never driven and R.V. before, that my sister had done all of the driving across the country. She had failed to teach me how to drive this 32 foot monster. I told him that I would get him back to the Dallas/Ft Worth airport and that other than saying that, I don't know what to say about what just happened with my sister.

He was an unusually calm man. He put his arms around me and gave me a big hug. He told me it would be O.K. and oddly enough it was. Together we ended up breaking camp, an adventure when you have never unhooked things by yourself. We ended up driving to a Motel near the airport. I was to chicken to drive into the airport, as I had only about 45 miles of driving this beast under my belt. We are still friends on facebook and he along with one other man that I met randomly on a mutual blogging site, have been real supporters of me when I am down.  Thank you for that day, you made a very strange time, a time that I could get through. I was so grateful that I was not alone when she decided to do this to me.

I don't know why I started to think about this today. I guess it's because it is raining and I don't feel well. I was sitting here wondering what she meant by saying so many times, that she was sorry that I did not have a childhood. I was thinking back on when she was talking to me as she drove this R.V. down the highway. She looked sad, upset, guilty, mad, angry and mostly frustrated that somehow I didn't get it. She would look at me as she was talking and I would say in response, don't worry about it, if you don't know what you are missing, then you really cannot miss it, she got so upset with me. She told me how I didn't understand how much I was missing. I told her, that was the point. She told me that when Mom was married to Dad, before I was born that they did this and that, I said, "Yea, I know, you have told me several times." She got angry finally and just said that I didn't get it and never would. It seemed like she was fighting back all these tears and guilt. The mixed emotional signals were difficult to react to but I didn't know what to say or do.

We had traveled for quite some time. It takes a while to drive half way across the country. The subject of my childhood had not come up in conversation for at least 300 miles. But, then once again the subject was at hand. I finally stopped her and said, "My childhood was had by me. It may not have been like yours or like anyone else's, but it was mine and I did have one." I thought for sure that this would work to stop her on this relentless battle over my lack of having any childhood at all. It did not end there, it kept going, almost right up to the time she left me in that R.V. Park. I wonder if guilt played a part in her leaving me. Almost since I did not chastise her for having a lover and a husband, somehow I was flawed and did not know the simple rules of life. I wonder why she was so heated over my lack of childhood. Then I wondered why at no other time in my life, when money for her was available to do kind things for me, that she never did anything at all. In fact, the only reason we were on this trip was that I had contacted her six previous to this lovely disaster in my life that I was currently going through. I was grateful for her offer to live with her. Of course, I had paid for her ticket to California and I was paying for everything up to the time that she left. It was odd that she did not help me at all, I found it very expensive and had I known I would not have gone, it was far more than I had to spend. She scolded me at the Grand Canyon because I said lets not by beverages here, they are really expensive. We can purchase them at the next town, it would better on my pocket book.  She was inflamed to say the least, she told me how if I did not spend money like I had money, then I would never get money. I didn't really know what to say to her, so I bought her what she wanted to shut her up.

I am babbling a bit, but it causes me concern in my life, when I know that my life causes people to be uncomfortable with themselves.  I mean I did not ask for the life that I received.  It is as if my siblings look at me and my very existence causes them to be angry. My younger sister told me that I should take a gun and blow my head off, that it would be the best thing for the family. I wonder what it is that I am missing.  Seems ignorant I guess, but I believe I have been missing it my entire life. Maybe that is what she was driving at when she said that I never had a childhood and was so bothered by this fact. It makes me sad to cause people to be so angry at me and I don't even know why.

Friday, November 22, 2013

At First I Had Decided Not To Share This With Anyone, I was at a loss for words

When rumors and accusations are made behind your back you usually never know the source or the accuser by name. In fact, in my case I just get a bad feeling and remove myself from the situation. I guess hindsight being 20/20 I wondered why I was no longer needed as a Riding Instructor at Sun Valley Equestrian, but after reading this email that was forwarded to me as an F.Y.I., I don't need to wonder anymore.

I have left off the email addy's and last names of the people involved other than myself of course, as I do not wish for anyone to be able to contact any of the said parties. I just believe that after the past few days I will feel better if I am honest about how much stress I have been under. Until now I have been very quiet about the events in the past month or so. However I feel that due to said events, my stress level became so high that it brought on these illnesses.

I was not really certain about what to do when I received this email as an F.Y.I., so I didn't do anything at all. In truth, I was at loss for words, really I still am but maybe by posting what I was sent a month ago someone else can find the words that I have lost.

To: Karen Placek

FYI

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Juliette
Date: Wed, Oct 23, 2013 at 11:12 AM
Subject: Re:
To: Diane

Karen never said anything negative to me about you. The decisions I made were based on my own experiences.

I wish you the best, good luck in the future.

Juliette

On Tue, Oct 22, 2013 at 11:03 PM, wrote:

Hi Juliette, sorry to bother you at work today.
I am not looking for you to get involved in anything or ever see me or be my friend.
I simply feel I need to defend myself against the ugly, disgusting lies Karen has made up about me. I have no idea of what she told you but after the last week I'm beginning to understand that we have been played, manipulated into believing that each other"somehow had sinister Motives in our business dealings.
From the very beginning Karen did not like you for some reason.
she would say things like I am stupid for letting you be a part or the business, why am I giving you half etc. I replied that I needed a partner to be half responsible and that you were very good to me when everything went down with Laura. She would get angry with me saying I make to many excuses for you etc. She had me come to her house to convince me of all your wrong and evil doings. Then you and I started having disagreements and she just made it intensified. She said you were always complaining about me saying things about me like I didn't know a thing about the business, I don't deserve my husband, and more.
This really upset me as you had told me I had done an awesome job with the business so far and this is why you wanted to come in with me. I also was mad cause you clearly stressed you didn't want us talking about stuff to the employees. It has finally made me realize that she was most likely saying stuff to you as well as she has been to people on the ranch, I might add not to the people that really know me but you the ones that really don't.
She has told jack and Nona that I accused them of intentionally hurting my horse, told people I drug my horses in the lesson program, that I don't call the vet.
That I leave sick horses alone to die, the list goes on. She has taking all the things that I value about myself or have integrity about and painted me as the opposite. The way you moved Belle confused me I couldn't understand why she couldn't stay in the barn, the night of the show
You were all trying to get my daughter go to dinner with out her mother that made me feel very uncomfortable. I can't imagine what she has said to you regarding me, but if it is close to the other things she is saying about me then I'm not sure I blame you for running. All I can say is I am not perfect, I make mistakes , but I am a good person. I run my business with the same integrity I have in every area of my life. I would never miss use or drug any animal. Shit I don't even eat meat.
Juliette she even went as far to say is you have evil beings coming out if your head and you were trying to suck the life out of me, and that it was her mission to get you out of the barn. She even accused you of trying to hurt Julie and you were working with Laura to make a fool of me.

With this I can only conclude that we were both played by a very smart, manipulative, sick person whom we both cared for.

It truly disturbs me to think that you thought I would harm your horse or anyone's horse for that matter. I have dedicated much of my life to care for these horses
And love them like my own..
I know I can not change how you feel about me, but it does hurt to think you are feeling victimize by me and my family, as I'm sure you must have been hurt by whatever she said about me.
Juliette I need to know if you think Johnoh was in on all of this
I am worried that Julie is being played. I just don't know anymore. It seems as if my internal compass has failed me once again. Please if you could do one thing for me and answer this because I am really worried for my daughter.
I am now starting to believe everything about Karen Is a lie,
I think she points the finger at people for stuff she is guilty of and quite frankly she scares me!
It is really unfortunate this turned out the way it did but I do want you to know, I do not think anymore that you were trying hurt me or do anything sinister, I must say I never tried to hurt you and you did not misjudge my character nor did I misjudge yours. I am sorry I didn't come to you in the first place. Im not exactly sure what Karen wanted or why she hates me us so much that she came to help and decided to wreak Havoc
Between us and our barn. I'm not sure what she thought she would gain and with her accusations marked with your behavior towards me it began to paint an ugly picture. Especially when I was facing a difficult time bringing my Mom here. I was looking for a bit of support from my friends and felt I was kicked in the face an thus my reaction to that wasn't pretty. I don't know what to say and I don't need you to believe what I say for I know what happened now its all very clear

I thank you for all the times you extended yourself to me and i will always remember the very generous trip to Hawaii where i got to rest for the first time in years. I hope you take care of yourself and someday know me for the person I truly am.

I wish you an Belle all the best.

Sincerely,
Diane

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, May 28, 2011

What And Why?

Why is it you survive? Why do you try so hard to get over what has happened to you and yet what has happened to you makes you who you are. How do you move on from the past when it is slaming you in the face in the present. How do you take life when life delivered you to a monster? If you don't know love, why is that so bad? If you are the child of a monster, does that make you one? How do you put one foot in front of another when your flashbacks go live? How do you stop the pain, when all you know is pain and it hurts all the time? How do you fight to get back up on your feet, when your feet are tired of running? How do you do what you promised yourself to do when you were young, when nobody will take the time to listen? How do you tell a story when the story is your life? How do you undo your sin, when your sin is being born? How do you communicate to anyone that a con is still being run today? How do you tell anyone that you cannot let something go because so many people are still in danger of being manipulated? How do you do what is so difficult when the nightmares still plague you? How do you say to anyone that the professionals tell you not to have anything to do with your family because they are so destructive? How do you stop the destruction of a person, when you cannot get anyone to realize that everyone that has been impacted, ran away after they new it was a con? How do you tell those people to stop hiding and being embarrassed their losses and to suck it up so that other people don't suffer the same? How do you stop this train, when nobody ever stands against what harmed them? How do you show compassion for all of these same people when they are the people that caused you so much harm? How do you explain who you are and that you are missing so much because you don't know love? How do you tell your older sister to stop telling you she is so sorry you did not have a childhood, when you believe you did, it was just so different? How do you tell your sister when she starts to tell you all that you are missing, that you don't feel at all bad about it because if you don't know your missing it, you don't know what you are missing. So, it doesn't matter if I missing something, I don't know what it is. Why does my life make people cry? Why can't I just stop the madness so nobody else gets hurt? Why can't I do what I need to do? Why am I so incapable? Why can't I get anyone's help to stop or look at anything that has happened? Why does life deliver to you the gift of breath if while I am using this gift I cannot do anything for anyone but myself? Why do we have flashbacks, if we can't understand what to do with them? Why do we survive, if when we do, we just are meant to go on like all of you? How can we go on like all of you, if we are survivors of severe neglect, no love, abuse, rape and incest? If I don't have what you have to ground myself with, how is it that I am meant to be acceptable to you if what grounds me is unexplainable? If you don't know love, then how is it you are meant to know anything else? If it matters so much then why don't people take the time to show you what it is you are missing? If I survived so that I could defend my life as an adult, then why would being loved even matter? If it is so troublesome to listen to my story, then why do you want to always know about horror? Why is it that society doesn't thrive and prosper on the positive? Why is it people look for the most tragic and horrible stories to report? Why is is everybody tunes in to these and not to the healthy stories? Why is it a problem I learned how to be from the brady bunch? Where are you meant to learn family values if they are taught like mine were? Where do you turn for help, when help never came for you? How do you do it all, when it all is robbed from you so you cannot do anything? How do you help anyone when nobody will admit there is a problem?

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Horror Of Death

Until today I have always just wanted to get it over with, I just wanted the death thing to just be successful so that I would never have to do it again and I could go on with my life. I mean, its terrifying to have to suffer through repeated times of the same thing, your family wanting you dead. You definitely begin to understand that you are not wanted, that you are very much alone in this fight for life. The message could not have been any clearer as child. I have felt the panic of death for years. I finally in the past few days have said for the second time in my life that my brother and father tried to kill me when I was little. I finally am coming to terms with the fact that what is really bothering me so much is that I was murdered as a kid and I am still alive. It has truly been puzzling at times. I have been troubled about this since it happened and last night I looked up the troubled because I felt that I use the word correctly but that nobody seems to get it, when I say it. I will often say something if I have an odd reaction in front someone, just like turning a funny color or looking like I am going to puke, all with no apparent reason to them but to me triggers into my past are at every corner of my life. So I will say, "I have had a troubled past, my childhood was difficult," this is all to put them at ease over whatever just happened in front of them.

I have always felt that using the word or phrase "a troubled youth," was a good description of what has happened, without going into any detail. But it seems these days that people don't use the English language the way that I use it. The word trouble means, to disturb the mental calm and contentment of; worry; distress; agitate. Which is really how I have felt since I was small. I just couldn't understand what was really happening to me all the of time. I cannot stand the fact that I will have to go through this whole entire process again. Death is difficult, it is not short by any means, its terrifying actually. I said a few years back in passing to my mother and step-father, "I am beginning to wonder if I can die," my step-father quickly replied, "Oh yes you can, there is no doubt in my mind." I don't know about you but the sarcasm that filled his words as they came pouring out of his mouth, felt like murder as he spoke. As if he was saying, "If I had had the chance to have done it, it would been done properly the first time." Maybe I read to much into things, but it is how I stayed one step ahead of the people hurting me when I was a child. It is just occurring to me today that he was the one with my mother when they were called to the Elementary School the first time I spoke of my brother trying to kill me because he had fucked me. I feel like an idiot, that was 1st grade. I totally forgot that they had known this entire time that my father and brother tried to kill me and had molested me. No wonder I am so paranoid all the time. I am beginning to believe that this is what they, being my family, fears that I will remember and write some book about. The fact that I have never spoken about this as an adult came from the beating I received as a child after the Principle from Frank McCoppin Elementary school called them in to speak about what I had told her that day.

Does anyone realize that I don't give a shit about a book, about the supposed money that I would make, which I believe is a fallacy anyway. Can anyone hear the cry from my words that I write that I am still just terrified of dying again. Do you realize how many times I ended up on the outside of myself, staring back at my dead body? These times are burned into my memory and they are in every cell of my body. It was enough times that I knew to stand around and wait because I probably wasn't all the way dead. Do you know that I have never spoken on it like this before because this really sounds so stupid and by sounding so ridiculous I knew that people would just pass it off and mock me. It is that disbelief that I knew that I would suffer from with anyone I told that has kept me silent all these years. It is bad enough that all these things have happened in my life. Almost as if my family and whomever helped them at the time, cultivated more disasters in my life just to add the element of doubt when I did ever try to tell my story. I knew long ago that it was nearly impossible to communicate the amount of things happened to me in my life and that in trying to do so people would be cavalier, dismissing me by saying, "There is no way that all of that can happen to one person." Which in a lot a ways I agree with, it seems like so much, yet I really have lived through it, amazingly enough. But when you think about it at all, if my family was trying to cover up a crime, attempted murder, than you would do what they did. Keep the insanity constantly going, gas-lighting, beating, interrogating, removing me from school, not educating, taking my kids from me, because in reality they just never stop and its quite impossible for me to explain any one thing and sound half way sane myself. Everybody is so fast to judge any one act, that you never have the opportunity to give the history of what has happened to lead to that one act. If people could know the entire history, which sadly is my entire life, then I would venture to say that they may come up with a different judgement of the situation and certainly a different idea of me. Its hard when its, "You against them." Especially when you cannot even say that one thing without a counselor saying, "Well who is them?" And why is it always, "they or them?" I said to Ulla at the Petaluma Health Facility, "Because, they are them and that would be my family and the church congregants." It turns out, according to her at least that it is some sort of cult identifier of being brainwashed and feeling ganged up on. Sadly, in some cases it is real and because of people having Repressed Memory Syndrome, which is not the same as Suppressed Memory, but regardless they pressed charges against their members only to re-cant 10 years later, saying, "My therapist planted the ideas of abuse." Cases such as these made it so that a case such as mine gets judged by idiots like her who don't seem to recognize that some of us are really damaged and just don't talk about it at all because we are so uncomfortable with the truth.

Do you know how scary it is to have someone try to kill you! and then do it repeatedly? Saying, "If you talk I will kill you." Do you know that you go through this death process each and every time it happens? Do you know how terrifying it is at the moment where you can no longer breath and you are experiencing what death is truly about? I have been so paranoid for years, I mean, death comes to us all eventually, I just wanted to get it over with, so I could live my life in peace. Pretty stupid thing to say because you would be dead, but it is my reality about my life. And then today, somebody heard me, heard what I was saying, heard me explaining that I was a kid thinking about reasons to live. They looked at me and said, "Karen, the likelihood of you being suffocated to death again is not likely at all." I just stopped in mid fluster.

You're right! I had never thought about a different way to die. I have been so stupid and stuck in this mire of fright since I was a child. I won't have to experience running as fast as I can, getting caught, or grabbed! I won't have a bag put over my head! I won't be flipped around with some one's hands around my neck! I won't have been thrown to the ground and sat upon, while fighting like a mad dog! I won't have to walk into a room and look at the closed closet door wondering if that is where they are hiding! I won't have to know every inch of the house, so that I know where the attacks on my life are most likely to take place! I won't have to walk into a room and take notice of the size and dimensional make-up to ensure that there is or is not enough room to man handle me to the ground, breaking my neck in the process! I won't have to worry about the threats, Oh! Wait! Hhmm............still have to consider that one, don't I?

Today I spoke of the horror of death. The point at which the air that breathe is cut off and you are screaming in your head for help, to no avail. I have lived a terrified life. I never thought about the fact that I may die differently until someone said to me today those very words that I wrote. The thing is less than three years ago my step-father put his arm around my neck and through to the ground in the dining room of the home I grew-up in. So when exactly do you end the madness? He tried to snap my neck and had he been successful, it would have been documented as an accident, just a fluke fall. How many flukes can one person have before they say that it is pre-meditated murder to cover up all of their crimes with Wills, Trust Funds and with the things I have yet to mention.

How do you continue to live a life like this one that I have been given? I really don't anymore, all I know is that I cannot get better unless people choose to allow me to just be myself. I am very well aware that my life is beyond sad, that it is a tragedy and the horrors of this reality are haunting. But it is my life and I have been living it, not you. I like my life and don't want to just "Get over it." I have worked so hard to get to where I am today mentally. There have been good times for me and maybe in comparison they don't look that way to you, but to me it's like hearing just dump everything that has made you who you are today and move on or start again. You cannot do that, its impossible, who you are today is the person that has survived what most did not. I am not a bad person, I have found strength in moments that others died. I am the result of what has happened to me for my entire life. Don't discount who I am because you cannot handle how I became this way. I don't tell you to never talk about your past and to move on, forgetting who you are in life and what molded you to be that person. You are unique, just as I am also. I just want justice in this world. I want to be able to exist without being terrified and embarrassed constantly around absolutely everyone. If you don't think that this is embarrassing, you are insane. If you believe that I am writing all of this on my Google Blog for attention, you are madmen. Nobody in their right mind would tell these things to anyone to just get some attention in their life, that is madness and the accusation that is made by people who don't know that worse lives exist and mine is one of them.

I just want to have a voice and be heard, so maybe I can not shake as much everyday. Maybe I can tuck myself away and heal alone, with the support of myself. If I get it off my chest then at least I have finally spoken and I am told that you must speak or you will never even have a chance to heal. That is all I am doing here, I am trying to heal myself of the most horrific acts that mankind can commit on another human life, murder.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Wounded Mind, Fractured Brain

What did you say?

Don't take it personally.

Hhmm, I thought to myself for a moment in silence. I started to say something but I stopped myself. I felt like it would be a moot point because I had already taken in personally, I just did not want to explain any further.

I just cannot take all the yelling. I was yelled and screamed at as a kid, so its difficult for me.

Just scream back!

I stared for a longer amount of time. I am not comfortable yelling at anyone, let alone a complete stranger. I said that I had to go, got on my bike, turned my Sony music player on and road off. I just could not handle it a minute longer. My head was throbbing and my nerves were shot. Even being on my bike didn't seem to calm me down.

When I got back home I curled up in bed and closed my eyes. I had taken one of my pills because I could not take my brain, it was in so much pain. Flashbacks were not even flashbacks. It was ribbons of film ripping out of the reels and cutting itself on my brain matter. As I could here it go, "Click, click, click," like an old movie house when the film needs to be changed and it has run completely out of the projector.

I laid there until I fell asleep and dreamt of the nightmare of my life. I woke in a panic, gasping for air and thinking I was still where I had just been. Thank god I wasn't, I was at home again. I had made it back to the house without blacking out.

I have blacked out twice in the past two months. This is an experience that is not a pleasant one. I don't know if you are knowledgeable on what happens, but it is just miserable as an adult. You literally do not remember a thing. Both times I woke up throwing-up.

My mind has been so badly wounded but yesterday my brain fractured. It is like falling off a bicycle and re-breaking your leg. It broke in a weird way, pulled the brain tissue out and splat the memories poured out into the rest of my mind.

I began to think about the fact that people who have had knee replacement, hip replacement or just broke a bone in their arm or leg are treated so much more humanely than those of us with broken brains. I mean, if you are limping and somebody asks whats wrong and you reply,

Oh, I broke my leg last year and it is really bothering me today.

I'm sorry, that must have been so painful, how did you do it?

I was riding my bike and a car hit me when they ran a red light on Divisadero and O'Farrel Streets.

Oh my God! That is awful. Did you have to have surgery?

No, it was a compound fracture.

No wonder you are in so much pain, there is a storm coming in off, I heard it is going to rain.

Yea, it seems to get worse when the storms hit.

I read its the rain that really cause breaks to hurt.

Maybe your right, because after the rain finally comes it seem to get better, maybe its when the barometer drops.

Probably, I hope you feel better.

Thanks, I'm sure I will.

Whats your name?

James

My name is Annie.
It is nice to meet you.

I'm sure we will talk soon, especially since we seem to be in the same Chef's Class.

Yea, your right, talk to you soon.

A friendship begins all because somebody noticed someone limping in from outside into a classroom. Which is pretty cool, it was a conversation starter, a way to meet someone new that you did not know and in all reality might develop a friendship with or more. In our case, our minds have been fractured or at the very least, very badly wounded. Sometimes we look sad or despondent, we might look relatively normal, even be smiling but the pain inside is always there for us because we cannot seem to get through it. It just hurts, sometimes it hurts really bad and sometimes it just there but either way we have a fracture of the mind. It doesn't mean that we have split personality, we just are wounded people that nobody ever seems to see. We don't limp, we cry, we don't complain, we are silent, we don't look for sympathy, we would rather forget and even with all of that we still get accused of looking for pity or for someone just to say, "I'm sorry for your life."

The thing is our injury is no different than a broken bone. When the rain comes it usually has a different name, in my case, it is when the night comes. As the afternoon wanes and night approaches the same thing that happened to James with his broken leg happens to me, I am in pain. I limp differently, I get quiet and begin to stare off in the distance.  My mind goes to places that are not in my control. I start night dreaming and I am not asleep yet. I begin to become anxious about the fact I will have to go to sleep soon, I start pacing and getting up and down. It is very obvious something is wrong, it seems to be written all over my face.

In the past people have asked me what is wrong,

Are you O.k.

Yes, I'm fine.

You don't look O.k. you are kind of white, do you need a drink of water? Whats going on?

Oh, its nothing really, I had a troublesome childhood and I get a little nervous as the sun goes down.

Hhmm, Oh, I better find a seat.

I am making this scenario up and just presenting a theory of why it is so difficult for us to get better. I am not sure what experience you have had with other people but mine has been the moment somebody finds out that I have had a troublesome youth I am told,

"Well there are people with worse lives, I'm sure."

And that happens before they even know what has happened to me. Or, my other favorite,

"Well you should think about today and the fact you are not a child anymore." "Where does your family live?"

Regardless we all know that nobody wants to know if you have had a problem with your childhood. But like a broken bone, we too need some healing and are healing should involve meeting strangers that can be sympathetic without being obnoxious with pity which most of us really don't want anyway. We don't want your pity it just makes us feel worse for even mentioning the reason that we have turned this lovely ashen color. Just like you pull muscles and ligaments with a break, we pull the same things in our brain when we are injured with your words.

Don't take it personally, its just the way he is.

I hate that saying because I do take it personally and why are we the ones that should be quiet and not the ones that others say, "Don't take it personally, they rage, its just the way they are." No, in our case we must be the perfect host and hostess for society, at all costs, which is always the toll that we pay for ourselves. We shouldn't have to pay for you too. I think that yesterday a person fractured and old break in my mind with his words, (Imagining it is like a break in your arm, a hairline fracture) the way he walked, all the screaming, with the yelling and with the lack of empathy towards a very badly hurt human being. He broke open what had healed shut so long ago. The memories are now the reality with all of the pieces back in place in my mind of a very particular time in my life. I have never been able to figure it out. It just broke and as my mind began to see what it was with such clarity, I began to realize that people don't want us to get better and get through the trauma, they just want us to get over it, forgetting what has happened to us. A big difference, don't you think? Why would people, strangers if you will want such a thing from us? Are we really that much work to be around? Normally we, as a collective are extremely hard workers and in general very quiet, so that can't be it. What is it? Are they afraid that they will have to get real in there life and hear a real story of abuse? Not just one on T.V. that you can donate to a foundation and make yourself feel better, almost as if you had done something for somebody?

Are we just a story or are we just material for the next horror movie or next weeks T.V. news brief on abuse and torture as a child? How do you survive the pain? Are we only an hour long Dr Phil or Oprah Show. Are we the movie "The Exorcism of Emily Rose." based on a real person that you never meet because she is dead? Are we the news caption on NBC next weeks morning show. Are we the mini-series that ABC is promoting for bigger ratings to sell more time share on the station. Are we just the example of what is never real and you only see on the television or the big screen? Are we nothing in comparison to you? Can we not be alive? Or are we only good enough to be gossiped about and feel sorry for if we happen to be dead at the point our story is told?

Wounded mind, fractured brain, that is me today. Keep saying the things that you are saying and my clarity will deepen within the confines of my mind, making the memories the reality that you will have to read.

The tragedy is that its all good for you if there is a screen between us. I make great dinner conversation, I make a great movie as long as I die in the end, I am fantastic gossip for those that love to spread the news of a troubled life, I make a great good-will story for somebody donating money to prevent suicide, I make Cocktail Parties more interesting when my mother attends, I make a great everything as long as I remain unseen or dead. But the reality of having to look at one us makes you feel uncomfortable because you are embarrassed about us in person, we evoke that reaction. So, the one thing that I really wanted in my life, which was to not be embarrassed all the time by what has happened to me, will never come to be. All because you cannot bare to see the tragic life of a person that is still alive and fighting like hell to get through this all with you. We bother you that much, but you bother me more, I'm not capable of being anyone but myself and I seem to bring you the horror of the reality that some kids live through the drownings, the beatings, the drugs given to them in their bottles, some kids make it, we survive to watch the trials of mothers like Casey Anthony, live on CNN. Just think, if her kid had made it, just like me, you wouldn't being having a trial with her mother, you would be turning your back and saying, "Some people have worse lives than you do, just get over it."

Some of us have those worse lives, some of us are me. I wrote this two years ago, when I first began to express on paper my pain, my wounded mind had begun to fracture. Breaking away the walls that kept this all so neat tidy for you, not for me. So that I could walk freely amongst you in society while never disturbing your mind, your brain or your life. How apropo this poem ends up to be today.

Prepare

Prepared for this since I was Five.
See not my face, my eyes don't lie.
In time, through grace, in space, in sine.
Know where, know place, I do not waste.
Don't help, don't stare, don't scream, don't share!
Despair of mine is no disgrace.
Just a time, in such thin space.

Hello, it's Me

I'm in my Head,
but I'm not dead.
What comes instead may cause you dread.
Move on, move out, don't run about.
The stream of words you bleed are out.
Not red, not green, not blue, know doubt,
It's not the money when I shout.

Hello, it's ME
It's ME,
You see?

The sky goes dark when you remark,
the hatred must! hit its mark.
No eyes you need, I bring you Heed!
Go blind, go hate, but don't be late.
For I am here and very near.
the fear that comes into my feet,
will carry me across, it's neat.
The cost is high,
so please, don't sigh.

Hello, It's me,
it's me,
do you see?

K.A.P.

4/28/2009

(Wouldn't it just be a funny kind of revenge if every poem I have written on this blog works into something I am writing presently and can be better understood than when the poem is standing alone. Just like the last three have shown to be. Strangely odd don't you think?)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Making An Excuse

I love how all seem to make excuses for the narcissist. People seem to excuse them for their behavior, their lies, almost excusing their very existence. Whereas I am told by professionals I am accountable and need to forgive my family, meanwhile, they also tell me to never be around them again. But, the more I think about it, the more I believe that I cannot be any different. I also must be a malignant narcissist. I was raised by them, my family still tote's the ways of the narcissist, essentially they are con artists and yes they do lie.

I did choose to be different at a young age. I remember not wanting to be like them, especially like my mother. I recognized that we were one in the same, no difference unless I made it. So, I decided to do everything the opposite way she did it. Yes, I am the blame child but truthfully I am probably just as "evil" if you will as she is, I mean really how could I be different, I am hers, raised only by her and the people she payed to be around me. I make a choice everyday to be better than I want to be. I am haunted by the nightmares and that may make us different, my mother and I, but deep down really don't you agree with me. Aren't I going to be a malignant narcissist that makes a choice, accepting my life and choosing to be better than what is written about them.

I don't know its just a thought. I do know it's not my job to forgive. I don't know if it is yours or not, but I do wonder why you would take on so much responsibility. I believe that the ones that have wronged us are the ones that make up these kind of rules or suggestions to better their own conscience. Why on earth would you forgive the ones that have hurt you? I have a hard enough time forgiving myself, let alone anyone else.

I know other people have equally as bad of stories and I am not the only one in the world with a story or a tragic life. My crime told to me forever is, "being born". Even at that, people in my past have told me not to hold anything against my family. Saying that I should forgive them for whatever they have done to me. Grant it that would come from other people that asked me around the holidays why I was not visiting my family. I would just say something like "we don't get along". It has always made me laugh how ready people were to comment on what they have no clue about.

Back to forgiveness, the thought of the day.

I don't even know what love is, let alone how to forgive anyone. I would love to tell you that I received the instructions for life when I was born. I don't think the book had been published yet, or, my parents just did not buy it for me. I used to stare at my family and wonder how I got here. They took such horrible advantage of people while I was growing-up they had no real time to teach values or morals of any kind. Mostly they stole people's wealth, be it a trust fund or waiting and changing the Will's with the influence of the entire church telling the person it was the right thing to do. Really I feel as if I am part of a forty-year con from the Sixties. I just seem to be the only family member that has not joined up with the family business. Needless to say I am in the hot seat. This is a place I have been in all my life, but, the past few years have been more serious. The last of "the big fish" died about two years ago. So essentially they are just winding it all up and thus far there is no evidence of the crime. Why would there be, either the people are dead or they have run off to different parts of the world and hang their heads in shame. They are embarrassed that they have been taken advantage of in such a way. They will not go to the authorities to file any sort of complaint. This seems to be a common reaction of most con artist victims. The only bummer is that it has left me out in the cold on my own.

To date my mother still believes me to be possessed. I was plagued with the Demon of Silence as a child. Now that I have begun to speak I wondered if that has now changed, LOL! Decidedly I am still on Satan's side, regardless of what any of you say. They are on Gods side and there is no way that I will be on that same side, so I am on the opposite team. I also met Satan once and he seemed very molecular. Oh course, it turns out that it was Anton Levay and that is how he introduced himself. So the confusion would be obvious for a kid. It doesn't matter anyway, after years of being told I am the beast I accepted as my lot in life and I really don't mind. I would rather be evil if they are considered good, I accept all that goes with that decision.

What has always been so disturbing to me is how quickly other Christians jump on board with the belief that I am possessed and evil. Without even knowing my story, my mother has the support of all her friends that I am a child that is just telling lies about my childhood to destroy her good name. Its funny because over the years this same thing happens again and again as she just rolls through a new group of friends. By the time her friends find out that she is truly treacherous it is to late, at this moment of clarity they have lost quite a bit of what they owned already. Usually the old friends run off and are never heard from again. Then just like clock work in rolls a new group of Christian friends.

Truthfully I don't even know what Christians actually believe in other than each other and the lies they tell one another. I am even confused about the God that they worship. Isn't he a Jewish God name Yaweh. Why would they worship a God belonging to another belief? Important question for me to have answered before I start worrying about what it actually takes to forgive another for turning a blind eye my entire life. Let alone begin to forgive my family for something that I have never not known. Why would I forgive all the things that happened to me. What has happened to me makes me who I am today. I like myself and if I had not gone through all of these horrors I would be not be who I am. Grant it I have had to suffer through the traumas and figure out how to live in a nightmare but that is nothing different than what I have done for my entire existence. I would not want anyone to feel sorry for me, that would be counter productive. I just would like people to be O.K. with me as I am, not looking away or thinking that I am filthy, and have no redeeming character because they happened to be privy to my story. I went through what I did, I survived, it is not a crime to still be breathing and trying to live peacefully. I survived for a reason and possibly that reason may be to speak to all of you. Maybe I can help others with the poetry I have written. I hope that the ones that have been hurt in their lives are able to relate and it helps the pain I know we are all in. I strongly believe that we cannot get over these traumas, maybe we can get through them and accept each incident as part of our own lives. They will stay with us forever, it is what makes us who we are I'm afraid, I just would not like to live in so much fear everyday of my life. It's not my job to forgive, I wouldn't even know where to start. Let me live, instead of spending more time on the people who hurt me by having to forgive them.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Back Too Basic Or Forward Writes ~ James Blunt Wares Tights ~ Mind Skirts Surfs Gropes ~ To the Crowds of Skype!!

High

Beautiful dawn - lights up the shore for me. There is nothing else in the world, I'd rather wake up and see (with you). Beautiful dawn - I'm just chasing time again. Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night. But now I'm high; running wild among all the stars above. Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me. Beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again. Do you remember the day when my journey began? Will you remember the end (of time)? Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again. Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine. High; running wild among all the stars above. Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me. Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older? Promise me tomorrow starts with you, Getting high; running wild among all the stars above. Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

You're Beautiful

My life is brilliant. My life is brilliant, My love is pure. I saw an angel, Of that I'm sure. She smiled at me on the subway, She was with another man, But I won't lose no sleep on that, 'Cause I've got a plan. You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, It's true. I saw your face, In a crowded place. And I don't know what to do. 'Cause I'll never be with you. Yeah, she caught my eye, As we walked on by. She could see from my face that I was, Fucking high. And I don't think that I'll see her again, But we shared a moment that will last to the end. You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, It's true. I saw your face, In a crowded place. And I don't know what to do, 'Cause I'll never be with you. You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, It's true. There must be an angel, With a smile on her face. When she thought up that I should be with you. But it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you.

Wisemen

She said to me, "Go steady on me. Won't you tell me what the Wise Men said? When they came down from Heaven, Smoked nine 'til seven, All the shit that they could find, But they couldn't escape from you, Couldn't be free of you, And now they know there's no way out, And they're really sorry now for what they've done, They were three Wise Men just trying to have some fun." Look who's alone now, It's not me. It's not me. Those three Wise Men, They've got a semi by the sea. Got to ask yourself the question, Where are you now? Really sorry now, They weren't to know. They got caught up in your talent show, With you pernickety little bastards in your fancy dress, Who just judge each other and try to impress, But they couldn't escape from you, Couldn't be free of you, And now they know there's no way out, And they're really sorry now for what they've done, They were three Wise Men just trying to have some fun. Look who's alone now, It's not me. It's not me. Those three Wise Men, They've got a semi by the sea. Got to ask yourself the question, Where are you now?

Goodbye My Lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down? Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown? 'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun, Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won. So I took what's mine by eternal right. Took your soul out into the night. It may be over but it won't stop there, I am here for you if you'd only care. You touched my heart you touched my soul. You changed my life and all my goals. And love is blind and that I knew when, My heart was blinded by you. I've kissed your lips and held your head. Shared your dreams and shared your bed. I know you well, I know your smell. I've been addicted to you. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. I am a dreamer but when I wake, You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take. And as you move on, remember me, Remember us and all we used to be I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile. I've watched you sleeping for a while. I'd be the father of your child. I'd spend a lifetime with you. I know your fears and you know mine. We've had our doubts but now we're fine, And I love you, I swear that's true. I cannot live without you. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. And I still hold your hand in mine. In mine when I'm asleep. And I will bear my soul in time, When I'm kneeling at your feet. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow. I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Tears and Rain

How I wish I could surrender my soul; Shed the clothes that become my skin; See the liar that burns within my needing. How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold. How I wish I had screamed out loud, Instead I've found no meaning. I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain, All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble. Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray. I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble. It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain. How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind; Hold memory close at hand, Help me understand the years. How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell. How I wish I would save my soul. I'm so cold from fear. I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain, All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble. Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray. I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble. Far, far away; find comfort in pain. All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble. It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Out of My Mind

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder, He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit. It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder. He's waiting for the day when he gets me, But I don't need no alibi - I'm a puppet on a string. I just need this stage to be seen. We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real. Hold my eye and know what it means. I'm out of my mind. Judging by the look on the organ-grinder, He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit. It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder. He's waiting for the day when he gets me, But I won't be your concubine - I'm a puppet not a whore. I just need this stage to be seen. Won't you be a friend of mine to remind me what is real? Hold my heart and see that it bleeds. I'm out of my mind.

So Long Jimmy

I just can't believe that it's over. We were chilling out on the sofa, Digging how the guitar goes, In a song that no one knows. Did you lick that line yourself, Or did the voodoo magic help? Does everyone have a different take? Do you seem real but I seem fake? Does everyone get hypnotized by your fire? So long, Jimmy, so long. Though you only stayed a moment, We all know that you're the one. Singing, So long, Jimmy, so long. Sure we're glad for the experience, We miss you now you've gone. We're just swimming in your soul 'cause, We all wish we wrote this song. Life goes on. I'm just so relieved that it's over. We were hanging out going nowhere, Digging how the guitar goes, In a song that no one knows. Did you burn that bridge yourself, Or did the voodoo magic help? Does everyone have a different take? Are you just cool and I'm just baked? Does everyone get mesmerized by your fire? So long, Jimmy, so long. Though you only stayed a moment, We all know that you're the one. Singing, So long, Jimmy, so long. Sure we're glad for the experience, We miss you now you've gone. We're just swimming in your soul 'cause, We all wish we wrote this song. Life goes on.

Billy

's leaving today (don't know where he's going). Holds his head in disgrace (he can't escape the truth). He knows the price that he's paid. He admits that it's too late to admit that he's afraid. Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate. The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late. Old doors are closed but he's always open, To relive time in his mind. Oh Billy. Billy's leaving today (don't know where he's going). He's got lines on his face (they tell the story of his pain). He accepts it's his fate. He admits it took too long to admit that he was wrong. Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate. The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late. Old doors are closed but he's always open, To relive time in his mind. Oh Billy. Once he was a lover sleeping with another. Now he's just known as a cheat. And he wish he'd had a mirror; looked a little clearer. Seen into the eyes of the weak. Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate. The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late. Old doors are closed but he's always open, To relive time in his mind. Oh Billy.

Cry

I have seen peace. I have seen pain, Resting on the shoulders of your name. Do you see the truth through all their lies? Do you see the world through troubled eyes? And if you want to talk about it anymore, Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder, I'm a friend. I have seen birth. I have seen death. Lived to see a lover's final breath. Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright? Is the fire of hesitation burning bright? And if you want to talk about it once again, On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder. You're a friend. You and I have been through many things. I'll hold on to your heart. I wouldn't cry for anything, But don't go tearing your life apart. I have seen fear. I have seen faith. Seen the look of anger on your face. And if you want to talk about what will be, Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder, I'm a friend. And if you want to talk about it anymore, Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder, I'm a friend.

No Bravery

There are children standing here, Arms outstretched into the sky, Tears drying on their face. He has been here. Brothers lie in shallow graves. Fathers lost without a trace. A nation blind to their disgrace, Since he's been here. And I see no bravery, No bravery in your eyes anymore. Only sadness. Houses burnt beyond repair. The smell of death is in the air. A woman weeping in despair says, He has been here. Tracer lighting up the sky. It's another familiesâ€š turn to die. A child afraid to even cry out says, He has been here. And I see no bravery, No bravery in your eyes anymore. Only sadness. There are children standing here, Arms outstretched into the sky, But no one asks the question why, He has been here. Old men kneel and accept their fate. Wives and daughters cut and raped. A generation drenched in hate. Yes, he has been here. And I see no bravery, No bravery in your eyes anymore. Only sadness.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

I Scream!!

No one can hear the silence of a scream from a life that cannot exist. To be diagnosed with C-PTSD and then to be told that there is no cure is not a very kind way to deliver to you the remainder of your life. I had to take a lot of time to myself to think about how to deal with the flashbacks and how to handle the second blow to my life. There are no cures for those either. So, when they went live and I asked what that was about and the professionals replied yet again, "That can happen."

Here I am, staying with a friend that told me I never had to worry about a roof over my head. He has been a staunch supporter since the diagnosis two years ago. He asked me to move in with him so that I would not be alone. He made sure I had a phone so that if I panicked I could call him. He took care of my finances and he made sure that my belongings were properly stored. He told me that I would always have him as a best friend and I never had to worry about being alone again.

He wants me to leave. Turned off my phone and said he wants to live alone now. I have run out of money recently and so I have zero dollars to move-on, let alone I am terrified to be alone. I have no way to call anyone for help so I just become more and more anxiety ridden as the days pass by. I have come to the realization that I will be standing in line with my miniature pincher in my arms at Glide Memorial in San Francisco. I am becoming a little less terrified of my next move in life, but I thought I would write a little bit about it before it happens.

I want you to know that every person that left my mothers church with nothing had a family to turn to for help. Not one of them ended up having to become homeless on the street. Each one was able to return to the warmth of the family that they had abandoned to be with my mother. They were received with love and therapy for surviving a cult. Each family was able to embrace life and begin again. They were looked upon and still are looked upon as the poor victim of a cult leader that brainwashed them into believing her. That is not what people think of with me.

As I continue this survival of so much and old memories of horror just continue to roll on into my mind, I am sad for you. I want to say I always wanted to be with a man that was there when I opened my eyes in the morning. I wanted him to be able to say to me, "I want to be the first person you see when you wake." I wanted a man that would look at me from across a room, walk over to me and say, "You are the person that needs the most love and I want to wrap my arms around you, holding you until the pain I see on your face passes." I wanted to be seen by a man that knows I am hurting so badly, just like I am identified by the narcissistic predators. I wanted to know what it was like to live a dream for a moment in time. I wanted to know that there were men that would be as magnificent and full of as much passion as a covert narcissist is full of deceptiveness.

I know that unless a miracle happened and some person said they have a beautiful in-law out back and would like to wrap me up in their arms, keeping me safe for as long as they could, I am headed for the streets. My friend, the one I live with is becoming anxious that I leave again and I should be going soon anyway. My disability benefits from the federal government is on the horizon and maybe with a little luck I can find an inexpensive room for my dog and I to live in within the next six months. So at least there is something on the horizon that looks positive.

I will be headed for the city my mother lives in to live on the streets, they have availabilities, I called ahead. Don't start telling me about all the programs out there that I can apply to, I am very well aware of them, I was you once. I had a four bedroom house, a lap swimming pool, and R.V. a ski boat, a  good life. I am not dragging my feet because I am unaware that there is a place to help homeless adults. I am dragging my feet because I come from one of the most prestigious neighborhoods in San Francisco and I have to live on the street. I grew up in West Clay Park in San Francisco, California.  The friend I am living with is having to have his father pay for everything in his life because he has not been able to get a job in the past ten years. My family has enough money to pay for a small studio or one bedroom to keep me out of the way and off the streets just like my friends family pays for him. In fact, it happens a lot from the social class that I came from, you have heard or them, they are called trust fund babies. The family doesn't want to be embarrassed so they pay the grown child's expenses to keep them out of the gossip circles. In my case, three years ago my mother jumped up and down that I was going to be homeless, saying, "I am so excited, I can't wait." I just stared at her when she said it. This is when the man I am living with right now stepped up and told me I never had to worry again. In my mothers case and those social circles which she travels, it is the rave to have a problem child.  She wants her children in the worst possible scenario so that she can talk all about herself and what she is doing to help her children while they are living on the street. So she does not find it an embarrassment at all, it is an accomplishment and makes conversations so dicey, everyone feels sorry for her because her children became vagrants beside her best effort to mentor their lives. Sort of like what I said yesterday about how people love talking about the most abusive and scandolous things behind your back if it is your life, but if you mention one thing they tell you that you are harboring on your past and you should move forward.

So maybe my mother and I can bump into one another on a back alley where I may have to take up residence if I don't get a bed for the night. I wonder where you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? It will be odd to think about my mother from a place like that. My mother lives in a 10 thousand square foot home , she does not want for anything these days and to help me would be of no consequence to her pocket book.

I am already terrified when the sun goes down at night and I live indoors. I wonder what kind of person I will become when the terror goes to a new level of real. I guess you will be terrified on the inside from all that happened to you as a kid and as you look around at the reality of living on the streets you become more terrified and have worse nightmares than you already have now. It is a bummer. I was hoping that one person in this world could have had compassion on me and tucked me up under their wing, never letting me feel all the horror of my life again and again and yet again.

As one last thing I was thinking about today that I thought would be cool if it happened. Maybe there is an older man out there that needs a daughter in his life and he never got around to having one. Wouldn't that be cool it I ran an advertisement for a father and I was adopted in real life by somebody who never had the time or the opportunity to have a child. I used to be very successful before I was hurt, had back surgery and couldn't return to work at PetSmart as a Store Director. Just think I would have somebody to call and he would have somebody to get to know and rescue, a fatherly thing to do. I know that I have a father out there somewhere and I know if he knew I existed that he would help me so that my mother was not able to force me onto the streets for her entertainment.

So, to the Dad I do not know, "I love you and I would have loved to have known you in person so that I could give you a big hug and say thanks for making me yours."

My name growing-up was Karen Meakin and the last school I attended was Wallenberg High School, Mr. Kearney was the principle. Maybe he would like to have the job of newly adopted father. I am putting the name I grew-up with on here because it occurred to me that no one would ever be able to find me from when I did attend school. For pete's sake they don't even know my real last name or I guess legal name, which is Karen Placek. You never know what will happen in my life, it is an experience I can say that much to you today. I know that for sure tonight, right at this moment, I have a roof over my head and I am appreciative that my friend stepped-up to the plate when nobody else did.

I miss my house so much sometimes. It was safe, I owned it and nobody could kick me out or threaten me every five minutes with homelessness. I never felt guilty for living under my own roof and l loved my swimming pool. To loose so much so fast is difficult but as I am sure at least one of you are saying to yourself right now, "You are not the only one that bad things happen to you, you should be grateful for what you have." I want to say to you personally if you are that person the following. When you say things like that in response to what I am talking about on here, you are probably reading the wrong blog. Until you walk in another persons shoes don't open your mouth with a comment, suggestion or statement if it is at all similar to the one above. I am tired of the negative people and there come backs to my life. I don't need to hear you or anyone else tell me about how there are worst lives than mine because you do not know any to tell about or you would, i am sure of it. Plus if its true, then I need togo and find them so I can help them out. Unless you know somebody well enough when you are speaking to them you really have no idea if the person that you are speaking to is actually that worse life or not. Of course I know that there must be worse lives than mine or at least I hope there are, it sure would make me feel better about my own life. In fact the person you speak to today that is telling you about their personal woes just may be that person that has the worst possible life on the face of this planet, and they are person you are having lunch with right now. Somebody owns that title. Make sure you take a good look at who you are engaging with during any day that you are living, because you just might meet that person today, are you ready for that in your life, what will you say then?

Do you not think that somebody who writes one of these blogs is not very well aware of the fact that there are other people in this world that are in worse situations then ourselves. Even if I have a conversation with you in person and I am telling you my story of tragedy do you not think that I am not aware that there are other people out there in the world suffering a worse life than mine right now? Do you really believe that a person like me needs a person like you to tell us not to feel sorry for ourselves? I will tell you honestly if I do not take pity on myself, then I will not experience pity at all in my life and will be unable to pity you for your crass and deplorable behavior in this matter. If I don't feel the pity that needs to be felt for my past than how am I to recover from this tragic affair? I cannot recover and "get over it" as you so eloquently and hatefully put it, if there is no one that feels sorry for my life. If nobody feels sorry for what has happened than what has happened is not worth the pity you don't feel and therefore why feel bad if nobody feels sorry for you. This would bring you to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with being molested, raped, suffering incest, being beaten, psychological and manipulative abuse. So if nobody feels bad about it and just says that there are worse lives, get over it you whining sissy. It must not be that bad of a life to have had even though I do believe it has been very trying on my me personally.

Now that we have established that there are lives worse off than mine, lets go find those individuals and help them to get through their tragic lives. What do think about that?

So I shall be even more brazen . If I am the daughter of a sociopath and was only raised by sociopathic people, wouldn't you want me to not turn to the learned behaviors of the parental figures in my life because I would become a menace to society just like they have been? Would you not then embrace somebody that is looking for the other side of the picture, needing to see love, kindness, peacefulness, joy, acceptance, prosperity and the like? You wouldn't want them to go and look for it everywhere never find it, would you? Because that is what has happened to me so far, to date in exactness. I am not bitter about it, so don't get your knickers in a bunch. I am sad about it. I must become who I am and sadly I am someone who does not know the other side of the spectrum. I am tired of pretending in my life. I am just fine and I don't need to know what it is like to have a life like you, you do. I need to be free to look the way I do. I look sad because I am sad, I look like I am in pain because I am in pain. So don't tell me to go get happy and that there is hope for someone like me, then point to the nearest homeless shelter. Because I am not buying it anymore. I am lonely for anyone to give me a hug in person, sit and have a cup of joe, talk about going to a movie, not going to stand in bread line that is devastating to an already destroyed life.

There is no recovery for C-PTSD and supposedly it gets worse as you get older. So I will be on your tax dollar for the rest of my life for what they did to me. You will be paying for a roof over my head and food in my belly, because when you run a non-profit that you started in the late sixties you learn how to dance around the tax laws. Trust me on this one, they do not pay the same taxes as you and never have paid like you do. So, in the end my mother has the last laugh by never having to ever take care of anyone accept herself. Remember I suffered severe neglect from her since I was born. She has never taken care of me in my life. She farmed me out to anyone around at the time. It was the church members that payed for everything I ever did with horses and they are not cheap.  My mother did not pay for anything, they paid for her too. So before you agree that all she should take care of is herself, know my story and know that she never felt differently than what I have posted here. I was an infant once in her care, think of it that way today and I bet you would be really upset that I was about to go and live in a homeless shelter. As sick as that sounds it is true, so, don't be mad at me, I am just telling you what gets said and laughed about behind my families closed doors. There is no reason for me to be the next person that the tax payers have to pay for, for the rest of their lives, when my family is capable of stepping up to the plate and covering the costs of a victim of C-PTSD.  Especially since they are responsible for what is wrong with me.

This song is me, through and through when you listen to the lyrics I want you to know that it is exactly how it is in my life today, yesterday and what seems like what will be forever because I only know it one way, listen, it is how I know it to be. I hope you can find some way to relate to me. I would love to meet you and hear your story. I love to listen and I love to hear how people laugh, have family gatherings, fight with their siblings, tell funny stories of their parents when they met. I live through the lives of others when I hear stories like this, I love it and it is the only way I know that life is not what has happened to me. It used to give me hope for myself but the reality is simple, you cannot change what has happened, you can only choose to know that what has happened has made you who you are today. I am a survivor of a life that has made me the person that I love, me. I am just like a Duracell, I keep going and going.

So, here is to my miracle man! I know you must be somewhere, I just cannot find you in this life time. I will continue to believe and have faith just like I know that you would make me promise to do if I knew you and you knew me. Its getting worse and I think that I have to go soon. I will look for you in the stars at night, I will hold your hand in mine and I will hang on to the hope that we will meet someday randomly in the street.

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Monday, May 13, 2024

This Is A Flesh Hoof

Flesh Hoof

Cantore Arithmetic is able to state the misgivings to word now. The applicable application is quote that man had his town crucified. Word town began to equate the three parent system in England reported as: A baby has been born using three people's DNA for the first time in the UK, the fertility regulator has confirmed. Most of their DNA comes from their two parents and around 0.1% from a third, donor woman. The pioneering technique is an attempt to prevent children being born with devastating mitochondrial diseases. According to Google being able to report as the bar system to proper computer talend to typed and enter: BBC.

Cantore Arithmetic is able to state without parameter and without explanation the three-parent system to method: Who’s on first? Word town equated words god entity. Word man made in the image of god equated word cycle. Word cycle equated word blood down.

1 Peter 1:19

“But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot:”

King James Version (KJV)

Genesis 3:22

“And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:”

King James Version (KJV)

Proverbs 3:24

“When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.”

King James Version (KJV)

You searched for

"TOWN" in the KJV Bible

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Townclerk Towns

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Mark 8:26chapter context similar meaning copy save: And he sent him away to his house, saying, Neither go into the town, nor tell it to any in the town.
Habakkuk 2:12chapter context similar meaning copy save: Woe to him that buildeth a town with blood, and stablisheth a city by iniquity!
John 11:1chapter context similar meaning copy save: Now a certain man was sick, named Lazarus, of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha.
Matthew 10:11chapter context similar meaning copy save: And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, enquire who in it is worthy; and there abide till ye go thence.
John 11:30chapter context similar meaning copy save: Now Jesus was not yet come into the town, but was in that place where Martha met him.
John 7:42chapter context similar meaning copy save: Hath not the scripture said, That Christ cometh of the seed of David, and out of the town of Bethlehem, where David was?
1 Samuel 16:4chapter context similar meaning copy save: And Samuel did that which the LORD spake, and came to Bethlehem. And the elders of the town trembled at his coming, and said, Comest thou peaceably?
Joshua 2:15chapter context similar meaning copy save: Then she let them down by a cord through the window: for her house was upon the town wall, and she dwelt upon the wall.
1 Samuel 27:5chapter context similar meaning copy save: And David said unto Achish, If I have now found grace in thine eyes, let them give me a place in some town in the country, that I may dwell there: for why should thy servant dwell in the royal city with thee?
Mark 8:23chapter context similar meaning copy save: And he took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought.
1 Samuel 23:7chapter context similar meaning copy save: And it was told Saul that David was come to Keilah. And Saul said, God hath delivered him into mine hand; for he is shut in, by entering into a town that hath gates and bars.
Luke 5:17chapter context similar meaning copy save: And it came to pass on a certain day, as he was teaching, that there were Pharisees and doctors of the law sitting by, which were come out of every town of Galilee, and Judaea, and Jerusalem: and the power of the Lord was present to heal them.

You searched for

"I DONT KNOW" in the KJV Bible

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Know Knowest Knoweth Knowing Knowledge Known

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John 7:28chapter context similar meaning copy save: Then cried Jesus in the temple as he taught, saying, Ye both know me, and ye knowwhence I am: and I am not come of myself, but he that sent me is true, whom ye know not.
Jeremiah 16:21chapter context similar meaning copy save: Therefore, behold, I will this once cause them to know, I will cause them to knowmine hand and my might; and they shall know that my name is The LORD.
1 John 2:3chapter context similar meaning copy save: And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments.
Job 13:2chapter context similar meaning copy save: What ye know, the same do I know also: I am not inferior unto you.
John 9:29chapter context similar meaning copy save: We know that God spake unto Moses: as for this fellow, we know not from whence he is.
Psalms 39:4chapter context similar meaning copy save: LORD, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is; that I may know how frail I am.
John 8:55chapter context similar meaning copy save: Yet ye have not known him; but I know him: and if I should say, I know him not, I shall be a liar like unto you: but I know him, and keep his saying.
John 14:5chapter context similar meaning copy save: Thomas saith unto him, Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way?
John 9:25chapter context similar meaning copy save: He answered and said, Whether he be a sinner or no, I know not: one thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, now I see.
Mark 4:13chapter context similar meaning copy save: And he said unto them, Know ye not this parable? and how then will ye know all parables?
Psalms 139:23chapter context similar meaning copy save: Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
John 9:21chapter context similar meaning copy save: But by what means he now seeth, we know not; or who hath opened his eyes, we know not: he is of age; ask him: he shall speak for himself.
Acts 19:15chapter context similar meaning copy save: And the evil spirit answered and said, Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are ye?
Ecclesiastes 1:17chapter context similar meaning copy save: And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit.
1 John 5:15chapter context similar meaning copy save: And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.
1 John 2:29chapter context similar meaning copy save: If ye know that he is righteous, ye know that every one that doeth righteousness is born of him.
Genesis 29:5chapter context similar meaning copy save: And he said unto them, Know ye Laban the son of Nahor? And they said, We knowhim.
John 14:4chapter context similar meaning copy save: And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.
John 4:22chapter context similar meaning copy save: Ye worship ye know not what: we know what we worship: for salvation is of the Jews.
Romans 7:1chapter context similar meaning copy save: Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth?
Isaiah 59:8chapter context similar meaning copy save: The way of peace they know not; and there is no judgment in their goings: they have made them crooked paths: whosoever goeth therein shall not know peace.
Ecclesiastes 7:25chapter context similar meaning copy save: I applied mine heart to know, and to search, and to seek out wisdom, and the reason of things, and to know the wickedness of folly, even of foolishness and madness:
2 Corinthians 5:16chapter context similar meaning copy save: Wherefore henceforth know we no man after the flesh: yea, though we have known Christ after the flesh, yet now henceforth know we him no more.
1 Corinthians 13:12chapter context similar meaning copy save: For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
Isaiah 52:6chapter context similar meaning copy save: Therefore my people shall know my name: therefore they shall know in that day that I am he that doth speak: behold, it is I.
1 John 2:21chapter context similar meaning copy save: I have not written unto you because ye know not the truth, but because ye know it, and that no lie is of the truth.
2 Samuel 3:25chapter context similar meaning copy save: Thou knowest Abner the son of Ner, that he came to deceive thee, and to know thy going out and thy coming in, and to know all that thou doest.
Ecclesiastes 9:5chapter context similar meaning copy save: For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten.
Jude 1:10chapter context similar meaning copy save: But these speak evil of those things which they know not: but what they knownaturally, as brute beasts, in those things they corrupt themselves.
Revelation 2:9chapter context similar meaning copy save: I know thy works, and tribulation, and poverty, (but thou art rich) and I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan.

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Revelation 2:13

“I know thy works, and where thou dwellest, even where Satan's seat is: and thou holdest fast my name, and hast not denied my faith, even in those days wherein Antipas was my faithful martyr, who was slain among you, where Satan dwelleth.”

King James Version (KJV)

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"MARTYR" in the KJV Bible

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Martyrs

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Acts 22:20chapter context similar meaning copy save: And when the blood of thy martyr Stephen was shed, I also was standing by, and consenting unto his death, and kept the raiment of them that slew him.
Revelation 2:13chapter context similar meaning copy save: I know thy works, and where thou dwellest, even where Satan's seat is: and thou holdest fast my name, and hast not denied my faith, even in those days wherein Antipas was my faithful martyr, who was slain among you, where Satan dwelleth.

You searched for

"MARTYR" in the KJV Bible

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Martyrs

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Acts 22:20chapter context similar meaning copy save: And when the blood of thy martyr Stephen was shed, I also was standing by, and consenting unto his death, and kept the raiment of them that slew him.
Revelation 2:13chapter context similar meaning copy save: I know thy works, and where thou dwellest, even where Satan's seat is: and thou holdest fast my name, and hast not denied my faith, even in those days wherein Antipas was my faithful martyr, who was slain among you, where Satan dwelleth.

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"HE" in the KJV Bible

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Genesis 1:5chapter context similar meaning copy save: And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
Genesis 1:10chapter context similar meaning copy save: And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.
Genesis 1:16chapter context similar meaning copy save: And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
Genesis 1:27chapter context similar meaning copy save: So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
Genesis 1:31chapter context similar meaning copy save: And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And theevening and the morning were the sixth day.
Genesis 2:2chapter context similar meaning copy save: And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
Genesis 2:3chapter context similar meaning copy save: And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.
Genesis 2:8chapter context similar meaning copy save: And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.
Genesis 2:19chapter context similar meaning copy save: And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
Genesis 2:21chapter context similar meaning copy save: And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
Genesis 2:22chapter context similar meaning copy save: And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
Genesis 3:1chapter context similar meaning copy save: Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
Genesis 3:6chapter context similar meaning copy save: And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
Genesis 3:10chapter context similar meaning copy save: And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
Genesis 3:11chapter context similar meaning copy save: And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
Genesis 3:16chapter context similar meaning copy save: Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
Genesis 3:17chapter context similar meaning copy save: And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
Genesis 3:22chapter context similar meaning copy save: And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
Genesis 3:23chapter context similar meaning copy save: Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
Genesis 3:24chapter context similar meaning copy save: So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of thetree of life.
Genesis 4:4chapter context similar meaning copy save: And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And theLORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering:
Genesis 4:5chapter context similar meaning copy save: But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.
Genesis 4:9chapter context similar meaning copy save: And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?
Genesis 4:10chapter context similar meaning copy save: And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground.
Genesis 4:17chapter context similar meaning copy save: And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.
Genesis 4:20chapter context similar meaning copy save: And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle.
Genesis 4:21chapter context similar meaning copy save: And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
Genesis 4:26chapter context similar meaning copy save: And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the LORD.
Genesis 5:1chapter context similar meaning copy save: This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in thelikeness of God made he him;
Genesis 5:2chapter context similar meaning copy save: Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.

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You searched for

"SHE" in the KJV Bible

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1 Timothy 5:10chapter context similar meaning copy save: Well reported of for good works; if she have brought up children, if she have lodged strangers, if she have washed the saints' feet, if she have relieved the afflicted, if she have diligently followed every good work.
Ruth 2:18chapter context similar meaning copy save: And she took it up, and went into the city: and her mother in law saw what she had gleaned: and she brought forth, and gave to her that she had reserved after she was sufficed.
Mark 14:8chapter context similar meaning copy save: She hath done what she could: she is come aforehand to anoint my body to the burying.
Zephaniah 3:2chapter context similar meaning copy save: She obeyed not the voice; she received not correction; she trusted not in the LORD; she drew not near to her God.
Luke 8:47chapter context similar meaning copy save: And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause shehad touched him, and how she was healed immediately.
Isaiah 66:7chapter context similar meaning copy save: Before she travailed, she brought forth; before her pain came, she was delivered of a man child.
Ruth 1:18chapter context similar meaning copy save: When she saw that she was stedfastly minded to go with her, then she left speaking unto her.
Numbers 30:6chapter context similar meaning copy save: And if she had at all an husband, when she vowed, or uttered ought out of her lips, wherewith she bound her soul;
Leviticus 15:28chapter context similar meaning copy save: But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean.
Romans 7:3chapter context similar meaning copy save: So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man.
Leviticus 21:9chapter context similar meaning copy save: And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, sheprofaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.
2 Chronicles 9:12chapter context similar meaning copy save: And king Solomon gave to the queen of Sheba all her desire, whatsoever she asked, beside that which she had brought unto the king. So she turned, and went away to her own land, she and her servants.
Judges 16:19chapter context similar meaning copy save: And she made him sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head; and she began to afflict him, and his strength went from him.
Genesis 20:5chapter context similar meaning copy save: Said he not unto me, She is my sister? and she, even she herself said, He is my brother: in the integrity of my heart and innocency of my hands have I done this.
Genesis 29:35chapter context similar meaning copy save: And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.
Acts 16:15chapter context similar meaning copy save: And when she was baptized, and her household, she besought us, saying, If ye have judged me to be faithful to the Lord, come into my house, and abide there. And sheconstrained us.
Ezekiel 19:5chapter context similar meaning copy save: Now when she saw that she had waited, and her hope was lost, then she took another of her whelps, and made him a young lion.
Lamentations 1:9chapter context similar meaning copy save: Her filthiness is in her skirts; she remembereth not her last end; therefore she came down wonderfully: she had no comforter. O LORD, behold my affliction: for the enemy hath magnified himself.
Esther 2:14chapter context similar meaning copy save: In the evening she went, and on the morrow she returned into the second house of the women, to the custody of Shaashgaz, the king's chamberlain, which kept the concubines: she came in unto the king no more, except the king delighted in her, and that she were called by name.
John 16:21chapter context similar meaning copy save: A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world.
Ezekiel 26:2chapter context similar meaning copy save: Son of man, because that Tyrus hath said against Jerusalem, Aha, she is broken that was the gates of the people: she is turned unto me: I shall be replenished, now sheis laid waste:
Ruth 3:16chapter context similar meaning copy save: And when she came to her mother in law, she said, Who art thou, my daughter? And she told her all that the man had done to her.
Joshua 2:21chapter context similar meaning copy save: And she said, According unto your words, so be it. And she sent them away, and they departed: and she bound the scarlet line in the window.
Leviticus 12:5chapter context similar meaning copy save: But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days.
Genesis 20:12chapter context similar meaning copy save: And yet indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife.
Genesis 16:4chapter context similar meaning copy save: And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.
Judges 5:26chapter context similar meaning copy save: She put her hand to the nail, and her right hand to the workmen's hammer; and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head, when she had pierced and stricken through his temples.
Acts 9:40chapter context similar meaning copy save: But Peter put them all forth, and kneeled down, and prayed; and turning him to the body said, Tabitha, arise. And she opened her eyes: and when she saw Peter, she sat up.
Hosea 2:7chapter context similar meaning copy save: And she shall follow after her lovers, but she shall not overtake them; and she shall seek them, but shall not find them: then shall she say, I will go and return to my first husband; for then was it better with me than now.
Ruth 2:7chapter context similar meaning copy save: And she said, I pray you, let me glean and gather after the reapers among the sheaves: so she came, and hath continued even from the morning until now, that she tarried a little in the house.

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Karen Placek

Presents, a Life with a Plan. My name is Karen Anastasia Placek, I am the author of this Google Blog. This is the story of my journey, a quest to understanding more than myself. The title of my first blog delivered more than a million views!! The title is its work as "The Secret of the Universe is Choice!; know decision" will be the next global slogan. Placed on T-shirts, Jackets, Sweatshirts, it really doesn't matter, 'cause a picture with my slogan is worth more than a thousand words, it's worth??.......Know Conversation!!!

Karen Placek

Presents, a Life with a Plan. My name is Karen Anastasia Placek, I am the author of this Google Blog. This is the story of my journey, a quest to understanding more than myself. The title of my first blog delivered more than a million views!! The title is its work as "The Secret of the Universe is Choice!; know decision" will be the next global slogan. Placed on T-shirts, Jackets, Sweatshirts, it really doesn't matter, 'cause a picture with my slogan is worth more than a thousand words, it's worth??.......Know Conversation!!!

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Tuesday, January 13, 2026

Struggle: The Life and Lost Art of Szukalski | Official Trailer [HD] | Netflix - YouTube

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Japanese bondage

Contents

'Kinbaku' vs. 'shibari'[edit]

Rope types[edit]

Aesthetics of Japanese bondage[edit]

Shibari in contemporary art[edit]

History[edit]

Technique[edit]

Glossary[edit]

Kinbaku patterns[edit]

Topics[edit]

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