When I Choke I Cry!!

I was reminded today December 2, 2018 of my older brother whom has a record with me in regards to not only the recent months of October 2018 and November 2018, it goes all the way back to a time that time stands still sometimes, he is much older than I.  My very much older brother came to my home once again to advantage his life, it is what he said upon his last ever return that reckons my youth at 815 Balboa Street to Parkmerced.  As we were walking around this neighborhood and my Service Dog Latch was enjoying himself and he relieved himself, it was then that my very much older brother said as he, my very much older brother squatted to look into my eyes sideways, "you really like sinking your fingers and hands into his expletive don't you", he laughed in sickness.  The chopping of his words to the sickness of his hands and shoulders in explanation gave rise to what I can say is called a horrible recall.

My eyes in glassy response gave no path to his words and so he continued down that strange and lurid path of sickness.  He again ran to his language of my memory youth and said again and again in different yet same repose how much I was enjoying picking up after my Service Dog.  As my very much older brother could not contain himself I sort of became lost in his words as my memory returned to those times following the basement rapes at 815 Balboa Street and then, then in a sudden thud the bedroom came to memory.  Those sheets that he so carefully garnered to make his own innocence of guilt guilty again.  Just then the Master Bedroom blinked my memory to standing there as he stood with his parents on either side and I stood in a stance that is difficult to explain, I was in First Grade at Frank McCoppin Elementary School and so the blink was backwards and quick to explain his very next band.  Bang came the memory as he scratched the chalk of my chalkboard brain.  Oh for the horror as I had told the Principle at Frank McCoppin in the Richmond District after an announcement came over the loud speaker saying . . . . . basically that if you were being hurt at home to come to the Office and tell her which I did.  After that speaking spelled out awful for the Principle of Frank McCoppin Elementary School on 6th Avenue in the Richmond District the Principle called my home on 815 Balboa Street.

There is no long story short there is only what I will say as this is a moment just to relieve the nightmares, the nightmares of what my very much older sister and very much older brother can say in just a second that will prompt my mind to not only remember but to relive the horrors that very much older sister and my very much older brother and their same aged friends perpetrated against me as a kid.

This is just a memory?  No, this is the reality of Sever Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  To wisdom and to carriage I state once again that making new memories is imperative and I have been denied this very simple thing.  Instead I have been isolated as it was a small world in the Richmond and Sunset Districts and this is a very big city in a smaller World.  Oh how the relative blanks the seat to know anxiety, back allies, avenues, boulevards and circles that surround the map of San Francisco to make this day a stand.  There is not a road that I travel, a path that I walk, a moment that will pass without those memories at my foot to remind me of what the Second Grade Cop had said.

I'm here and should I have been dead possibly you would have found my body and wondered, but you know what I would have never been stuck in that affair of San Francisco and it's ability to turn its back on this situation.  So, since I am still a life, and I am not a thing maybe you all will be caught and after all that chasing me around all of you that are still very much older than I will begin to self confess and then the Cops

at the San Francisco Mounted Unit in Golden Gate Park will charge you.  So keep talking Edward, Tamara, Garrick, Theresa and Nonda because that will out you as you just have casual Facebook conversations and then the Cops will question you on your conversations with one another.  At that time the San Francisco Mounted Unit can calendar the time Tamara and that is more than a boarded horse, that is more witnesses.  With that and the Ice Cream Shop on Geary Boulevard it is just a matter of whom would care enough to read or speak to each of you in person as the biggest piece of evidence so far is that I am still alone.

All these things begin to add up, it's called math.


December 7, 2018 is the date of today, I am caught in a dark stare, the white sheet, a type-written task as text has no-words, it is.  At time of before I had words to say that sheets were even white I mind the horror as sodomy, this is the cause, the cause of autism is that time in mourning, stuck in the stare of your own mind as the brain is unable to computerize the shit, for what is defecation?  The adults shift to another complex tire as the evening cleared the sheets to white and yet there it is, the poo, the worms, the words.   A day passes and the school said note to microphone, the Principle makes the call, the parents say upon the visit to her office at Frank McCoppin, nightmares plague the child, words.  Home straddles the Master Bedroom at 815, in each corner the adults stand-off with my older siblings, words.

My eyes now know 'dirty girl', 'Poo', 'bedding', nightmares.  Words come to the basement storage of my mind as my brain begins to connect the synapse to dot, an etch a sketch makes more, lines.  Each Spiral paper for the game of Warner Bros. draw, lines, geometry, pastel, papers.  The crayons are not pastels it is the colored pen, painting, poo, drawn.  Before the age of forget memory forms for the two feet and swallowing, breathing and needing.  The glass of forget is reality, words.  In the beginning the word is not for the frost of ice cream or the bowl of spoons that make eating more than poo, what is that white?  The sheets blank nothing as the cold felt is that pressure, the suffocation, sodomy is a word that is not known, poo is.

Sodomy is not the easily found sexual abuse that is seen with anything other that you are not potty trained, you had a nightmare, you have a brain, toilets, flush.  The words know worms, wriggling I state as today is December 7th, 2018, sodomy causes autism.  A type-written paper that is blank as words are the film of my blinking mind braining for the first time since my birth on this subject of:  We are not strong, resilient and creative survivors with unique needs that must be met with knowledgeable responses or specialized responses, or are we? 

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War or Battle is a card game typically played by two players. It uses a standard playing card deck in decreasing order is: A K Q J 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2. Due to its simplicity, it is played most often by children. Wikipedia

Play: Clockwise

Card rank (highest first): A J K Q J 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

Players: 2

Deck: Playing card

Random chance: Complete

Card: 52

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Go Fish or Fish is a card game usually played by two to five players, although it can be played with up to 10 players. It can be played in about 5 to 15 minutes. Wikipedia

Card: 52

Deck: Anglo–American–French

Play: Variable sequence

Players: 2–10

Age range: 4+

Skills required: Decision making, memory

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